Iceman (1984) An arctic surveying team finds the discovery of the century, a perfectly preserved Neanderthal (John Lone) in an ice cave. Back at the base, a group of doctors somehow manage to revive the frozen caveman. Now the big question becomes what to do with him. Dr. Stanley Shephard (Timothy Hutton) seems to be the only member of the research team with an unwavering moral compass, befriending the caveman, whom he calls Charlie. Separated by his family and comrades by tens of thousands of years, Charlie is a man out of time and without a home. The researchers jump at the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to learn about his physiology, but at the cost of his freedom. Charlie becomes the team’s lab rat, contained in the base’s vivarium like a zoo animal. Outside of Shephard and Charlie, most of the characters seem underdeveloped, with little to distinguish one from another. The central dilemma, and thoughtful depiction of Charlie, however, make this worth watching.
Rating: ***½. Available on Blu-ray and DVD
Dinosaurus! (1960) Producer Jack H. Harris’s (The Blob, The 4D Man) adventure film is aimed at kids and the kid at heart in all of us. While using dynamite to make room for a new harbor, a construction crew inadvertently dislodges a trio of prehistoric relics: a tyrannosaurus rex, brontosaurus, and a caveman. They’re in for a big surprise when they soon learn that none of them are as dead as presumed. The dinosaurs create havoc for the crew, while the Neanderthal (Gregg Martell, in a fun little semi-comic performance) tries to make sense of the modern world. Forget about scientific accuracy or plausibility. Dinosaurus! is best enjoyed with your favorite junk food and your brain switched to neutral.
Rating: ***½. Available on Blu-ray and DVD
Caveman (1981) Ringo Starr appears as Atouk, a meek caveman who’s unlucky in life and love. He lusts after Lana (played by Starr’s real-life-wife, Barbara Bach), the voluptuous object of his desire, but one thing that stands in the way – her hulking boyfriend Tonda (John Matuszak). Cast out of his tribe by Tonda, Atouk befriends a group of outcasts, including Lar (Dennis Quaid), Tala (Shelley Long) and her blind father Gog (Jack Gilford). The real attraction in this amiable comedy are the cool stop-motion effects by an uncredited Paul Gentry and Hal Miles, featuring cartoonishly goofy but surprisingly lifelike dinosaurs.
Rating: ***. Available on Blu-ray, DVD and Tubi
Clan of the Cave Bear (1986) Think a dumbed down version of Quest for Fire, and you won’t be too far off the mark. Director Michael Chapman’s adaptation of Jean M. Auel’s best-selling novel aspires to be an epic tale, but falls short. When Ayla, a young Cro-Magnon girl, loses her mother and is separated from her people, a roving tribe of Neanderthals take pity on her, reluctantly accepting her into their group. The now grown Ayla (Daryl Hannah) grows up an outcast because of her “unattractive” appearance (not unlike Marilyn on The Munsters), but learns the ways of medicine from her accepting foster parents. The iffy Neanderthal makeup with bad wigs is easy to excuse, but where Quest for Fire required its audience to connect the dots, The Clan of the Cave Bear shows contempt for the viewer, with unnecessary narration describing what we’re already seeing, as well as subtitles for the various grunts and shouts. Some nice cinematography from Jan de Bont and a decent score from Alan Silvestri can’t save this film from its own mediocrity.
Rating: **½. Available on DVD
When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth (1970) A better title might have been, When Peroxide Ruled the Earth. According to this movie, being a blonde woman in prehistoric times was a death sentence. Fair-haired Sanna (Victoria Vetri) escapes ritual sacrifice to make a life of her own, befriending a fearsome dinosaur and finding the love of her life along the way. The stop-motion effects aren’t quite up to Harryhausen’s standards, but they’re passable enough (at some point, the Hammer production must have run out of time and money, as one scene resorts to the old lizards with wobbly headpieces trick). There isn’t much in the movie that hasn’t been done better in similar flicks (including One Million Years B.C.), but there are worse ways to spend an afternoon.
Rating: **½. Available on Blu-ray and DVD
Creatures the World Forgot (1971) It wouldn’t be hard for the world to forget this tedious movie. 90 minutes of bad wigs and grunting does not make a compelling story. You have to give the film some credit for not depicting early humans walking with dinosaurs, but what’s left onscreen is so deathly dull. If you can stay awake long enough, there are some unintentional laughs when a caveman is mauled by a guy in a bad bear (or is it supposed to be a giant sloth?) suit, but there’s no other reason to recommend this lesser Hammer film.
Rating: **. Available on DVD
Prehistoric Women (1950) Okay, this one is just plain awful. A tribe of clean-shaven cavemen with terrible wigs lord over cavewomen who appear to be fresh from the beauty salon. Tired of being abused and subservient to the men, several of the women rebel, setting off to form their own tribe. They take a few of the males as captives, and nature takes its course. The worst part of Prehistoric Women is the incessant, inane narration, basically describing everything you’re seeing as it occurs onscreen. Add the film’s casual attitude toward animal cruelty, and there’s no reason to waste 90 minutes of your life with this stink bomb.
Rating: *½. Available on DVD and Tubi
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